Have a nice Trip?

Usually, when someone poses that question to me, they are asking about drugs “Nice trip?” them. “Oh, God yeah” me. Sadly to me, but much to the delight of some (Joe) who love to laugh at the misery of others, today’s question posed refers to an actual fall I took outside of Wildflower Bakery. I have been ill for days now and feeling woozy to say the least. I was picking up sandwiches for me and a co-worker and a nice fresh squeezed cup of OJ for my medicine instead of that insipid grapefruit juice that I have lately begun to loathe. Wildflower sandwiches are very large and in large containers. Balancing 2 + a glass of juice, already woozy and trying to dodge traffic = recipe for disaster my friend. My ankle went one way and my body went a totally different way. I frantically tried not to drop the food when luckily a pillar colliding with my head broke my fall. It is amazing how much help the nearly 25 people outside of Wildflower did NOT offer me! Not even a single “are you ok?” “Am I ok? No!!! My temple just smashed into a wall, I can’t hear anything, the world is getting closer then farther away and I think the shooting pains might be from a loosening in the skull.” Disoriented and miffed, I did what anyone else in my position would do - got back into my car and drove away.

I Got A Logo!!!

Now I know most of you reading this blog (especially Joe) are like “Wow, Jen is already sooooo much cooler then me, I’ll never keep up.” True, my minions, you will never be as cool as me as I announce my next awesome platform: my logo! Isn’t it awesome? It is an oh-so-cool representation of “LadyBug” one of my newer and more spectacular nicknames. (Don’t fret my Big, “Sunshine” isn’t going away anytime soon.) Already designating my fridge and cell phone as “mine” this logo may appear on clothing, drawn on the back of my hand or covering other such items seeking adorableness, all of which inevitably represent ME. Ha ha ha ha, I rule.

Mokuba’s Been Kidnapped!!!

Ok, Kazuki Takahashi (divine creator of all that is YuGiOh) I’m going to assume you’ve long since retired and sit around counting your money rather then approving YuGiOh game plots anymore. I will proudly say that Nightmare Troubadour for the DS (the BEST video game system in existence) is truly a superior video game, one little flaw though, isn’t Mokuba getting a little tired of getting kidnapped? I mean, as bright and industrious as he is, don’t you think he would have some safeguards after say, his first 3 kidnappings? Seto Kaiba is unrealistically skilled at martial arts, can Mokuba come to class? I bet being the richest kid in Japan can buy a lot of nun chucks, ninja stars maybe even some pepper spray or a stun gun. Geez, even the “I’ve fallen and can’t get up” lady had that life call system. I mean Kaiba Corp owns all those satellites right? Give the kid a cell phone or something. The funny thing is that in the game, most of the other characters don’t really care about the kidnapping. It is my job to muscle up to them with a Wolvie-Beserk snickety-snick, and a Obi-Wan whoooooooojediiiiiiiii and beat them in a damn duel to help me save this kid (which I could probably do better on my own anyway!) The kicker is, like Xander, Mokuba is the heart part of a giant super Buffy (ah, YuGiOh, I guess (hell if you’ve gotten this far into this post, then you already understand what I’m saying.) ) Mokuba is the heart, and no matter what the odds, they will be faced if his well being is the prize. I love you Mokie, probably more then most people love their damn pets, or even each other for that matter. Just get some girl pregnant, smoke crack or try to take over the world already - this kidnapping thing has been done to death.

A Room with a Moose

Each of us has our own worst nightmare, our own hell dimension. In Buffy, there were countless, untold hell dimensions and Invader Zim feels that the most horrific demise one can meet is to end up in a room with a moose. For me I think being trapped in a body that is always sick is my own personal hell. I mean, I live on this medicine that lets me eat and drink and live like other people, but underneath the guise I am always sick. Worse, my body has adjusted to the medicine, so now it is nearly impossible to digest any foot without it. Being sick with the flu right now, body can’t digest anything. I curled up in the bathroom corner the other night and just stared down the toilet like it was a fiery, raging moose grinding up chestnuts with it’s teeth.

I'm going off the rails on the crazy train

Being crazy is never easy. I sometimes wonder why I bother to build this life since I know it could so easily be destroyed in a second. I think the hardest part is when that second comes along and I recognize it and I fight it with every fiber of my being knowing full well one time it will hit and I will not be strong enough to fight it.

Christmas SHOULD be about giving...

...but if it is going to be about receiving then make sure you get yourself a sweet ass video ipod like this! My ipod came complete with Cool Water already installed, not to mention some bomb ass episodes of all-star YuGiOh, Yu-Yu Hackasho and Bleach. Just think, in no time I'll be carrying Jackie Chan Adventures, Megas, Pokeman and Foster's with every step I take. Truly a gift that left me speechless, you can use it with any computer and it is powered by love (also you have to plug it in.)

Let’s introduce Rob and Kerry!

I had the distinct honor to spend last weekend with a couple of unprecedented awesomeness. Many of you will remember Rob, the wise cracking companion of my younger years with a good heart, a collage-age penchant for extreme drunkenness and sandwich stealing and some sort of pheromone that to this day makes me weak in the knees (it affects my sister too!) Enter Kerry: beautiful, brilliant paramour to Rob who is insightful, funny, charming, unbelievably understanding to a point and then no-nonsense after that point. The two of them selflessly rescued me from my black pit of poutiness.
They told me they had four cats, and I cringed imagining an ice cream cone covered with cat fur. I hesitated about the cat thing (I’m allergic) but over the weekend they told me their stories of abandoned kittenment and next-day euthanasia that caused them to bring these sweet kitties into their home. I think this is my Christmas story this year. Rob, Kerry, Lady, Ger, the other two – I love you. Goddess bless us, everyone.

Viva La Big Apple!!!

Hey I am on my way to a fantastic gormet dinner and an opera at the Met!!! Also, there is a wedding and a reunion with all my old Chuck E Cheese pals. Talk about making lasting friendships, WOW. I'll miss you Arizona, what with your warmth and your Wildflower bakery. Home to Jersey and the beach, Jose Tejas and Clydes!

Foreplay Sucks!

I recently got a midnight lecture as to the importance of foreplay and how I’m a horrible person because I do not understand the expressions of tenderness that so enhance the overall sexual experience. Guess what? Foreplay is stupid and I hate it! Look if you are lucky enough to get into bed with me, the most you can expect is a couple kisses, get down to it and a kind word before I push you off of my side of the bed and fall asleep. Now I really only had sex with one guy and he never taught me too much foreplay, so it is safe to assume he hated it too. As far as making love goes, we only did that 3 times in 7 years (including our wedding night,) so guys it is safe to assume you won’t be getting that either.

Cowboys Lick Butt

No really, they probably did, I mean they were always off on adventures with no chicks right? So here in AZ we have a proud heritage of horrific cowboy criminals and the dastardly deeds that made household names. Now when I first moved here I thought cowboys were cool, but they have been forced down my throat so damn much I pretty much hate them now. A perfect example is this stupid “ranch” I went to on Saturday for a company Christmas party. http://www.rockinr.net/This place was weak on it’s best day and believe me, none too vegetarian friendly. Also it was cold and dirty and very, very lame. It made me now hate cowboys. Why can’t we celebrate pirates, they are much cooler. What about the knights of the roundtable or Vikings? All of them cooler then stupid, pathetic cowboys. I bet Doc Holiday, Wyatt Earp, Butch Cassidy and Billy the Kid wouldn’t last five minutes in a melee with the Chupacabra. Sometimes Arizona, I swear.

Now I'm Richie

I would guess there have been at least 700 trainers introduced in the nearly 800 episodes of Pokemon. Many episodes didn’t introduce any and then some episodes introduce like a dozen, so I think 700 is a fair estimate. My favorite one is this guy Richie. Now Richie only showed up in 4 episodes and I only saw 3 of them. Unlike the stars of the show who travel together and help each other in times of trouble, Richie travels alone and survives by his own cunning. You’d think he’d be pretty tough, but he is mellow, easy going and fun. Most importantly, Richie plays by his own rules. He doesn’t have anyone telling him where to go or what to think so he is free to choose, learn and adapt. Richie is the one who taught Ash to think outside the box. He was the first on the show to use his Pokemon outside of battle to help when disaster struck. He was the first one to give names to his pokemon. Also, he put star stickers all over his pokeballs so when all the pokeballs were stolen, then retrieved, he could just pull his from the sack while the other trainers spent hours figuring out which pokemon were theirs. In a show like Pokemon (a perfect metaphor for life) things stay very similar, introducing a new concept or two every few episodes. Richie was just a dynamo, appearing out of nowhere and changing all the rules. He was like the undomesticated Ash. The feral Ash. I am domesticated. I’ve always been in the middle of a group, or part of a pair. I always say I want to be Thoreau, but I never make the effort to separate myself from society. Now for the first time I can really be alone and explore what that means. Now for the first time in my life I have the chance to be Richie.

I Miss My Husband

Look, I know this isn’t going to be a popular blog because, let’s face it, almost everyone who reads my blog thinks my husband is a creep. I know you all wonder how I’m not furious and wishing all sorts of evil on the man. Tony’s goal was to always keep me with the minimum amount of effort possible. When I got sick he pawned me off on another guy so that he didn’t have to deal with me. He could have fought for me, but he didn’t think I was worth it and still doesn’t.
I don’t care.
Tony opened up a side of me that I really enjoyed. I don’t get to be that girl anymore and I miss her. He was always funny and fun and was terribly amused by my antics. I loved being his girlfriend and I loved being his wife. I married him because I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him or maybe I just didn’t want to go through life without him. Either way, not having him at all is still awkward. It’s been nearly 9 months since we parted, but instead of getting easier, it just gets harder.